self esteem

As odd as this sounds I want know why I had such hard time with my self esteem. A year ago I couldn't stand how I look in mirror I would say I'm not pretty or who want be with me. But over course of this year I don't say that when I look mirror I look how I have changed my body and how I look healthier and stronger from inside out. I also believe the self esteem comes from who you are on the outside and inside. I can be very shy (I know those who know me are laughing but I can be and I was when I was very young). I also can be very stubborn but determine/driven with passion when there something that fuels that drive. Like right now I'm really passionate about working out and get healthier and have a body imagine that I'm happy with. I'm happy for the most part but I see other ways I could make it better. I hang my head high but not quite all the way... its maybe 75% high compare to 35% a year ago. (LOL). 
I was trying think of when this self esteem/imagine difficulty started and I would have say most likely in elementary school b/c I was picked on so much b/c I couldn't read/ write or say things correctly and the other kids would pick on me. By time I got junior high the kids were still nasty to me. It didnt help that I still was having trouble with reading and writing. What made worse that I had teacher call me stupid in front of whole class b/c I couldn't read what was on chalk board and I asked him to read it to me. I turn around and I have whole class laughing and pointing fingers at me while I'm standing there crying. By the time high school came around you would think bigger pond a lot more fish and you could find yourself? right? well maybe for some but not for me b/c again self esteem/imagine kick in. The summer before my freshman year of high school I was in this horrible car accident which I'm very lucky to be alive and has result I broken my arm and I had get a 6" metal plate put on my left humor bone which left this huge 6" scar on my arm! and to me with someone who has self imaging/esteem issues I was horrifying of it b/c I though everyone think I'm some kind of freak. With help from a teacher which I still very close to this day said to me no one even pay attention to that scar once they see you beautiful and affectionate smile you have.  By sophomore year I was slowly over factor that people will not like me b/c of my scar instead I had boyfriend when he was on his 'roid range' he would call me fat (I was only 110lbs and lean), ugly and say that no one ever want be with me.  I even went on diet and ate what he wanted me eat to make him 'happy' when really I was starving myself and crying on inside. With all  his verbal, mental and physical abuse I thought I just had do what ever he said to make him happy. God I was so dumb back then! It funny b/c back than he was very health conscious and always working out at gym and very focus on being in better shape. And now currently that me. I'm at gym for hour to two hours 5 days week and eating health. But again I'm not taking steroids like he was and go off handle at things. Part of me wonders if he still like that or if still looks like the Incredible Hulk. I must admit he was great health and took really good care of himself but he lived at gym he would go between 2 to 4 times a day for like 3 hours which not good for you and just crazy!  After 6months from when we broken up he had called me to apologized for way he acted and having 'riod range' he said the mixture of taking steroids and pressure from his parents to break up with me b/c I was white made him very angry and he would take out all his frustration on me instead in workouts or punch a pouching bag (instead I was his punching bag). He also wanted to tell me that he really did love me that I was really only who got see his soft side when he wasn't pissed at the world. He said the pressure from his parents was real reason that we broken up b/c they didn't want their son to date or be in love with a white girl. Which I don't get even to this day. Than he said 'I truly do hope you find someone who love you and care about more than I was able too and I wish you best of luck in your life'. I accepted his apology b/c I honestly feel that he meant it and it hard choose make. I told him Ill forgive him but I will not forget. He said he understand and he hopes that the 'animal' would never comes out of him again b/c that something he will never be able live with for rest of life know that he hit women. It's funny but I sometime think about him and wondering what he doing and where he is now. I guess I will never know and maybe down road we will bump into each other again or maybe not. But little piece of me will never forget him (the good and the bad).

Myself esteem/imaging has had its ups and downs in my 32 years I just wish I knew a way to squash it and be more confident! working out has help a lot with b/c its something I very passionate about. And I love that I'm able lift weights and do exercises that I could never do before. I also have great group friends so hopefully over time my self esteem/image will go away. I just wish this self esteem can bite this dust. My confidence has grown tremendously in couple weeks I'm doing Run For Your Life aka Zombie Run with 2 of my guy friends which I'm super excited about. I also wanted to do Spartan Race, a half marathon, and The Warrior dash. Right now I'm looking into finding a kick boxing class and I'm hoping that will build my self confidence and actual kick my self esteem in the butt. I guess we will see. Stay tuned.

I don't always see myself what other see in me..maybe one day I will.