shady

Sorry it been while since I wrote in here just dealing with a lot. I got a lot on mind lately.. so here it goes:

First off my trainer and I are no longer working together and it way I'm glad we not b/c I was getting tired of his lies and being two faced towards me. A while back I had Antoine(my trainer) and his son Zion live with me for little bit b/c he said he was getting divorced and need to find a place to live for little bit until he get back on his feet. So I told him he could stay with me if he need place crash for little bit. So he moved in and he said he would stay only for few days and help pay for expenses well the few days end up being almost 3 weeks. I never got any money to help pay the bills instead I got a whole lot of bull shit and lies. So after tossing and turning and thinking everything over I decided I had let Antoine and Zion move out b/c it was just getting too awkward having them live with me and not mention empty promises. Now you may think that I was trying get relationship out deal and that is FURTHER from the truth I was helping a friend who was in need. Instead I  got take advantage of and disrespected. He had always said that he consider me a good friend and will always be there me no matter and be there for me. This is so full shit! He left out the fact that he no intention of ever paying me. When I asked Antoine to move out  b/c it was just getting to awkward having him live with me and I didn't want be caught up in all his web of lies. I have lost all respect for him as a person and trainer. Its really kind sad if you ask me. Not only he was lying to me but everyone around him. I bet you anything he lies to his girlfriend that him and his son are currently live with. I wondering why they didn't live with them all long? is it b/c you didn't want your wife to find out and thought I could be your 'safe haven'?  The real fuck up part he showing his son its OK to have open affair with your his son's mother and now your live with your girlfriend and his girlfriend is showing her daughter that its OK to date man who still married and have him live with you. Either way I feel bad for those kids b/c they will never see what true love is. The funny thing is that both Antoine and his girlfriend call them devoted Christians. I'm sorry your not b/c if you were you wouldn't be commit adulatory!

All this bull shit it just fuels me to work harder in my workouts and push myself harder. I have changed up my workouts and starting push myself to my limits. I have also not taking bull shit from no one anymore. I'm tired of being disrespected so as soon someone trying play bull shit I quickly going check them to door. Here example I went with out a guy couple times we had great time and this past Friday me, my best friend Jess, him and his friend Rich all decide go out I though we going dinner but instead we went bar and from second we stepped in there the guy who I went out a few times start to disrespect me and ignore me. Around midnight Jess told me she got leave b/c she got go wake early in morning for work. So I told guy that I got go and all sudden he start saying all this bull shit and tell me that I should just put Jess into cab and stay with him. I was like are you freaking kidding me right now? get fuck out here! After arguing for about 20minutes I told him I was leaving. So I left and Jess and I got cab back to his place where my car was. 20minutes after walking out the bar he starts to blow up my phone by calling me and texting me asking where I was and why did I leave. I told him leave me the Fuck alone and never talk to me again. He was like your never going find guy like me again blah blah! I was like what fuck ever!

I'm stronger person now but it still doesn't give you the right to disrespect me and be rude. I'm pretty proud of myself that I was able stick up for myself. I guess you could say I'm growing a backbone. LOL damn it feels good.

a day I will never forget

17 years ago from today October 13, 1995 3 kids from my high school got killed from an head of collision and that accident really hit home for me. A year and half before that I was in car accident too and I walked away with just a broke humor bone and collar bone could of easily been killed or paralyzed. Both accidents should of never happen. There were 5 people in that car that night which was just driving too fast on dark road and didn't see the curve and hit a tree only 2 survived from that night and today one of them wrote on their facebook page stating that their grateful to be alive but will never forget his friends who lost their life's that cold October night. It brought tears down to my face b/c I too surveyed such a traumatic accident you don't realize just how lucky you are.  For so long I try to forget the pain that I have encounter over years but today I cried a little bit while talking on phone with my mother tonight b/c you don't realize how precious life until you have lost someone. Even though I was never close to either the 3 kids that were killed that night but when actual well we all knew them and will never be forgotten. REST IN PEACE: MATT PETERSON, GABE PUCCIA & RICKY HARRINGTON <3

DEUCES

'Im on some new shit
Im chuckin my deuces up to her
Im moving on to something better, better, better
No more tryin to make it work
You made me wanna say bye bye, say bye bye, say bye bye to her' - Chris Brown

I tired having people take advantage of my kindness. Seriously I got stop finding people who use my vulnerability. I learn a valuable lesson but b/c of it I'm strong person. So don't mess me with it just fuels me to be stronger. You been warned now watch it! by the way my trainer and I decided that we will not be working anymore together which I'm fine with b/c I got enough knowledge and skills that I'm going be able knock them dead!

tone it up

I found this newwebsite called livestrong.com and they say "the limitless potential of you" and its pretty cool website. Under the women's tab they have section where they have workout for women to workout from home. I personally don't workout from home. I love going to gym hence why I'm there 5x a week! there are these two women are in great shape and they are known as the "tone it up girls" and I'm actual pretty impressed with some of their workouts and I'm actual going to do some of them as soon as Tre goes back to days in few weeks. Right now he working nights so we do his workouts and I incorporate weights part of the workout he comes up with. Nothing wrong with his workouts he's just into new age workouts and cross fit and I'm into traditional workouts that involves strength training and weight training. I mean I like his workouts I'm just not quiet there with him. We also have very different goals in mind. Like I want have a body or at least have arms like Jamie Eason. I know its going take while get body like her but I can get there some shape or form. I mean I don't want look just like her I just want look good where I'm happy with my body and I'm not quiet there yet. I'm kind disappointed with myself I used weigh 146.5lbs as last Thursday but now I'm at 149.5 and I hate it that I gained some weigh.I'm not sure if b/c some of the stress I have or what. I know its silly get upset about 3lbs but I was so close to my goal weight I could taste it. I just need workout harder and watch what I eat. Of course doesn't help that I had macaroni and cheese for dinner tonight. LOL And that have been craving complex carbs and junk food. I'm just need to real focus on being fit and my nutrition. I haven't really been watching what I have been eating but I generally should be eating about 16-1700 calories a day and drink more water. I guess I should start recording my eating habits again.

I just dont get it sometimes...

I just speaking from something that happen to me recently and it hurts my feelings. I had a close friend  lie to me about somethings and hurts my feelings that they were so dishonest and had lie to me about it. It makes me wondering have they been dishonest with me all long or did just this start? Do I seem like the type of friend who isn't understanding? why they couldn't they just be honest with me? I honestly don't know what to believe now when they talk to me. Its not like I'm going judge I just may not going to approve of their action. The sad part is I really consider them a close friend of mine. I don't understand why couldn't they just been honest with me whole time instead making up a web of lies as they go. They should know their web of lies is going to catch up with them and get them more trouble, and there never going be able get out it. And it will haunt them for the rest of their life!  If you ask me it just make them look like a real ass hole. I feel like I can't trust them anymore and that they took advantage of my friendship.  I open my heart to them and was be there for them when they need me most and instead they just lie some more and stomp on my heart. It breaks my heart that someone would do that to another person ex specially if you consider yourself an honest person. It quite clear your not if you lying to me and yourself and who knows who else. You need be honest with yourself before you do anything else. It too late for that because you already in web lies that you can't get out of. Lesson learned its better to be honest than have a web lies that will be impossible to get out of.

self esteem

As odd as this sounds I want know why I had such hard time with my self esteem. A year ago I couldn't stand how I look in mirror I would say I'm not pretty or who want be with me. But over course of this year I don't say that when I look mirror I look how I have changed my body and how I look healthier and stronger from inside out. I also believe the self esteem comes from who you are on the outside and inside. I can be very shy (I know those who know me are laughing but I can be and I was when I was very young). I also can be very stubborn but determine/driven with passion when there something that fuels that drive. Like right now I'm really passionate about working out and get healthier and have a body imagine that I'm happy with. I'm happy for the most part but I see other ways I could make it better. I hang my head high but not quite all the way... its maybe 75% high compare to 35% a year ago. (LOL). 
I was trying think of when this self esteem/imagine difficulty started and I would have say most likely in elementary school b/c I was picked on so much b/c I couldn't read/ write or say things correctly and the other kids would pick on me. By time I got junior high the kids were still nasty to me. It didnt help that I still was having trouble with reading and writing. What made worse that I had teacher call me stupid in front of whole class b/c I couldn't read what was on chalk board and I asked him to read it to me. I turn around and I have whole class laughing and pointing fingers at me while I'm standing there crying. By the time high school came around you would think bigger pond a lot more fish and you could find yourself? right? well maybe for some but not for me b/c again self esteem/imagine kick in. The summer before my freshman year of high school I was in this horrible car accident which I'm very lucky to be alive and has result I broken my arm and I had get a 6" metal plate put on my left humor bone which left this huge 6" scar on my arm! and to me with someone who has self imaging/esteem issues I was horrifying of it b/c I though everyone think I'm some kind of freak. With help from a teacher which I still very close to this day said to me no one even pay attention to that scar once they see you beautiful and affectionate smile you have.  By sophomore year I was slowly over factor that people will not like me b/c of my scar instead I had boyfriend when he was on his 'roid range' he would call me fat (I was only 110lbs and lean), ugly and say that no one ever want be with me.  I even went on diet and ate what he wanted me eat to make him 'happy' when really I was starving myself and crying on inside. With all  his verbal, mental and physical abuse I thought I just had do what ever he said to make him happy. God I was so dumb back then! It funny b/c back than he was very health conscious and always working out at gym and very focus on being in better shape. And now currently that me. I'm at gym for hour to two hours 5 days week and eating health. But again I'm not taking steroids like he was and go off handle at things. Part of me wonders if he still like that or if still looks like the Incredible Hulk. I must admit he was great health and took really good care of himself but he lived at gym he would go between 2 to 4 times a day for like 3 hours which not good for you and just crazy!  After 6months from when we broken up he had called me to apologized for way he acted and having 'riod range' he said the mixture of taking steroids and pressure from his parents to break up with me b/c I was white made him very angry and he would take out all his frustration on me instead in workouts or punch a pouching bag (instead I was his punching bag). He also wanted to tell me that he really did love me that I was really only who got see his soft side when he wasn't pissed at the world. He said the pressure from his parents was real reason that we broken up b/c they didn't want their son to date or be in love with a white girl. Which I don't get even to this day. Than he said 'I truly do hope you find someone who love you and care about more than I was able too and I wish you best of luck in your life'. I accepted his apology b/c I honestly feel that he meant it and it hard choose make. I told him Ill forgive him but I will not forget. He said he understand and he hopes that the 'animal' would never comes out of him again b/c that something he will never be able live with for rest of life know that he hit women. It's funny but I sometime think about him and wondering what he doing and where he is now. I guess I will never know and maybe down road we will bump into each other again or maybe not. But little piece of me will never forget him (the good and the bad).

Myself esteem/imaging has had its ups and downs in my 32 years I just wish I knew a way to squash it and be more confident! working out has help a lot with b/c its something I very passionate about. And I love that I'm able lift weights and do exercises that I could never do before. I also have great group friends so hopefully over time my self esteem/image will go away. I just wish this self esteem can bite this dust. My confidence has grown tremendously in couple weeks I'm doing Run For Your Life aka Zombie Run with 2 of my guy friends which I'm super excited about. I also wanted to do Spartan Race, a half marathon, and The Warrior dash. Right now I'm looking into finding a kick boxing class and I'm hoping that will build my self confidence and actual kick my self esteem in the butt. I guess we will see. Stay tuned.

I don't always see myself what other see in me..maybe one day I will.

heart to heart

I learn valuable lesson today when in doubt have a heart to heart talk w/that person b/c you will learn alot more than you think. I learned that that person actual does care for my well being I just need let them in. If you don't let them in than your not only hurting yourself but your hurting them in the process b/c your not being honest with yourself or them.

in zone with a heavy heart

Do you ever get the feeling when you in the gym and your in "zone"? I mean you just block everything out around you and just focus on you? that how I kind felt today. I mean three set people trying get my attention today and I was so in my "zone" that I didn't even see them until after they walk off. It felt bad that I didn't see them right away and I wasn't trying be a bitch or anything I was just in my "zone".  Even though I was in "zone" today with my workout I wasn't putting in 110% I was only putting 85% in I guess because I have alot going in my mind. I spend most of morning and afternoon on the phone with my insurance company with the car accident I was in last month, and doesn't help that my back been hurting off and on. I feel great after see the chiropractor than day or too later it get tight again. That probably why I only put in 85% today b/c I been so distracted worrying about this stupid accident and everything that I have been worried about. I hate it!

My heart been feeling heavy :(  I just trying remain positive and keep smiling but its been hard at times. I sometimes feel I lost friend and I can't even talk to them anymore even though I see them everyday. Something change with us and we aren't the same person we were a month ago. I know they have alot on there plate .. shit we all do! but it just feel like we aren't close anymore. Its like they don't even care about me or what going on. They say they do but part me just doesn't believe it. Or maybe I just care alot more for them than they do for me which usual the case. Sometimes I wonder if I should say something or just keep quiet because it make worse and maybe they wont understand b/c they have all there all problems to deal with. I don't want bring drama b/c I honest have alot respect for them but it's hard when I feel like this friendship is so one side. I mean I want be there for them and be able hang out but it just seem like they don't have the time for that. I guess I should stop caring for people so much and opening my heart to people. The thing is I was taught you don't do that you put yourself second and help that person the best way you can b/c that what friends are for and they will see later down road that you were there for them at most critical point in their life and when they needed the you the most. They may never return favor and maybe they will but at least you know in your heart you did best you could do help them out when they need you. My grandmother would be proud of me but sometimes I need learn grow back bone and not have people take advantage of my kindness. Ill just take one day at times for now and just push my feeling aside b/c honestly that all I can do b/c I really don't know what else to do or say.

weighing a heavy heart is never easy...

Akward moments..

OK maybe I'm not just used all this b/c I really don't look at myself as 'knock out' or 'beautiful' or 'impressive' but I have getting a lot cat calls lately. Like today when I was walking my clients dog a man called out n said 'hey foxy lady walking that dog...can you walk my 'dog' next.' Now keep mind there no dog around except my clients dog. I smiled and chuckle to myself continue on my way. It just strange for me b/c I'm not kind person who craves attention or wants give drama..Now if I had man of course I would want his attention me but that's a little different. And just other day my trainer told me the day after I took one his classes at Soldier Fit that one other instructor was watching me during my trainer class n he told my trainer that he was impressed that was able keep up class ex specially since I never done Soldier Fit class before. I guess it just something that ill have get used too but never will.